I’ve been watching Christmas-themed films and cartoons quite a bit lately (’tis the season, go figure) and have a new found fascination with Santa Claus himself.
Saint Nicholas…the patron saint of seamen, merchants, archers, prostitutes, prisoners….and children. But beyond that, he’s a mythical figure with a varied set of powers. As a child, I often wondered how Santa could fit his great big frame down chimneys or how he delivers all those gifts in one night. Though that fascination has evolved from youthful jubilation to nearly clinical, I’ve nonetheless made an attempt to explain Mr. Claus’ capabilities once and for all based on historical and pop cultural interpretations.
This is the (pseudo) science of Santa Claus.
Teleportation: Santa doesn’t fit down a chimney by converting his mass into a highly malleable state, nor does he do so by manipulating his bodily spatial dimensions. Instead, he converts his own matter into particles and then provides them a direction to travel in. He’s capable of carrying nearby people and objects with him as he teleports, and apparently does this through a general radius effect rather than pinpointing specific targets to transport. He can also focus this ability through his reindeer, allowing him to travel the world in one night via sub-light speeds.
Immortality: Santa Claus and his reindeer all possess a stunted aging process. This gives them extended lifespans and renders their bodies nearly immune to the normal progression of vitality, making them impervious to the effects of aging.
Santa Sack: An unassuming bag that appears to be full of gifts is actually a portal to a dimensional void. Powered by his prescience, Santa can reach into his bag and retrieve any number of items (gifts, toys, etc.). This dimensional space is apparently infinite in its storage capacity.
Omnipathic Prescience: Though not a telepath, Santa is psionically attuned to the specific thoughts of the Earth’s entire population. Apparently, he projects waves of psionic energy into his environment that affixes itself to the lobes of human brains that govern morality. The waves analyze the benevolence and malevolence of people’s actions and relay that information back to Santa, allowing him to determine who’s been “naughty or nice” as well as their material wishes. The range of this ability is worldwide. This data is streamed into his mind faster than he can consciously and accurately scan it all. Though the information is present in his mind, it requires a combination of meditation, effort, and sheer willpower for him to locate and extract specific information upon command. He uses his elves to help him catalog all the data he’s ever been exposed to, allowing him to summon information in his mind at will by merely focusing on it.
Matter Manipulation: Santa can manipulate the molecular structure of the matter comprising his bag’s dimensional space. He reshapes matter in accordance to the material wishes of those whom he senses via his prescience. He has transformed this matter into toys, vehicles, books, clothing, food, etc. and retrieves them from the dimensional void when appropriate. Apparently, he can’t manipulate this matter according to his own whims.
Santa’s Home: Commonly known as “Santa’s workshop”, his home exists as a pocket dimension adjacent to Earth. There’s an interdimensional portal between the workshop and Earth that exists somewhere in the North Pole. Earth’s physical laws apply to Santa’s workshop for the most part and has not been detected by humans for centuries.
Power Limitations: Though functionally immortal, Santa still requires food and breathing for bodily energy. He subconsciously encourages the occupants of the homes he visits on Christmas Eve to leave him cookies and milk. He enjoys the consumption, but uses these nutrients and saccharine molecules to partly maintain his vitality.